New uses....
One week out of the month, I turn into a raving bitch. Nobody should have to deal with me during that time. Once upon a time, I smoked pot. I was mellow and happy and had no emotions above a brilliant smile. I'm wondering how long it takes for medical science to figure out that medical marijuana could be the best hormone control in the world. Anybody got a joint?

- posted by Carrie @ 6:43 PM|

 
Playground RULES!!!
My boss has been asked to join a Dodge Ball League with a few of his friends.  Personally I think he should hold out for the Tetherball League, or perhaps a Kick Ball Team... But hey sometimes a guy just has to wear short shorts and knee high socks.

- posted by Carrie @ 10:35 AM|

 
Go Boom
My hubby is not a hairy man, in fact has a smooth chest with the exception of one random hair out from the center of pecs.  Not just a random hair, a stubborn one. 
That being said let me bring ya'll up to speed.  Last week Monday, Hubby, kids and I all flew back to his home in North Carolina for a family emergency.   Family emergency aside it was a wonderfully relaxing vacation.  Mostly.  I spent alot of time sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, just reading or thinking, Or just staring off into the trees or the lake.  Quiet and calm.  5 days into our trip and the day before I'm scheduled to leave, Hubby and his two brothers decide to exercise their manly rights and become lumber jacks for a day.  They pulled out the chain saw, fueled it up with gas and cranked it on.  I didn't watch the entire episode of tree falling, but I think I hurt hubby's feelings by not salivating over his Paul Bunyan transformation.  It wasn't that I didn't notice, or didn't care.. I was just into the whole, back woods ease and flow of the day.  
After the trees came down, limbs were torn off the larger trunk and piled high for a burning.  Now living in Vegas my whole life the idea of just piling shit up and lighting it on fire would normally horrify me.  You can't DO that in my desert, with obvious reasons.  But in the lust forestland, Sparking up a bonfire to get rid of unwanted waste is apparently acceptable.  And as my husband did grow up there, and had obvious experience with the process, I grabbed a chair and settled in with my new in-laws to watch the show.  After all, my hubby was being all Grunt Grunt beat on the chest... And I knew he was having fun.  Anyone recall that saying, "Its all fun and games till somebody gets hurt"? 
I watched him pick up the gas can, the same can used earlier to top off the fuel in the chainsaw.  I'm estimating a 2 maybe 3 gallon gas can.  He circled the large wood pile pouring the extremely flammable concoction over green limbs.  Apparently a storm was closing in and the fire needed to be started quick and hot in order to not be distinguished in the rain.  It was successful.  He went around the pile once more before leading a short trail of gas from the pile outward.  Now in my head, for a split second I thought.. That doesnt look long enough.. but hey..He knows what he's doing.  Then he bends down, flicks his zippo and.........  Up comes the short trail he made causing him to flinch backward.  Then the boom, the concussion and the fire ball blast that tossed my hubby back about 5 feet onto his ass. 
Yes this was serious.  We went to the emergency room, he was immediately admitted and we began the long process of making him at least feel like he wasn't dying.  After calming him down and covering his body in burn creme they wrapped his body in guaze and said we could leave.  He had drugs in his system and cooling creme on his burns.  He had suffered 2nd degree burns and severe 1st degree burns.  He is still in pain and I know there shouldn't be anything funny about it.   He singed and curled his hair on his head, Burned off almost an entire eye brow, Lost good portion of his eye lashes, arm hair and nose hair. 
But that one chest hair, survived. 

- posted by Carrie @ 8:25 AM|

 
Travelling tips from Carrie.....
1.  When the dumb bitch agent at the ticket counter smiles at you plastically and repeats over and over that you missed your flight, would you like to check in for the next one.. remain calm.  She is a robot and programmed to be stupid. 

2.  Always ask if the flight is delayed, before hauling your ass and all your bags on a sprint through the airport and taking out old women on your mad dash to discover your entire flight milling around the gate.

3.  Bartenders love it when you call them your heart mate after they fix you a much needed drink and light your cigarette. Don't get too attached, they loyalties stray easily when you tell them you are married.  And they heart brokenly flirt with the customer directly in line behind you.

4.  Sometimes the X-ray techs at the security gates are part time comedians, sometimes they aren't. So when one stops your bag in the middle of the belt, asks who the bag belongs to and tells you that you are allowed only one pair of shoes with your carry on...  Just play along.  Gets you out of there faster.  Besides, they are airport security, they have to have some sort of entertainment to their day. 

5.  If the lady at the gate says you missed the flight and can't check in your bags, And if you haul ass through the entire airport, And if you see what appears to be  your entire flight standing around the gate still, And if ALL the screens in the terminal tell you that your flight is departed when it is clearly running late... Dont panic.  Ask someone before you storm up to the check in counter and freak out at the desk clerk.  Doing that only puts you in an aisle seat at the back of the airplane in a seat that doesn't recline.

6.   Pre-packaged sandwich from a vendor.....$6.00
      Extra large grab bag of chips....................$2.00
      16oz bottle of plain old Pepsi Cola...........$1.79
No mayo on the sandwich, The huge bag only half full and accidentally grabbing the diet pepsi......FUCKING ANNOYING!!!!!!!!

7.  Beware of the magazine pouches in front of you on the airplane.  Apparently they don't feed them often enough.  I put my prepackaged sandwich in the pouch along with my chips.  I ate the chips and then dozed, when I woke up, the pouch had swallowed it.  I know what you're thinking.. someone took it right?  The flight attendant picking up trash?  Well then why did they leave the empty bag of chips in the pouch?  Or maybe it was the lady in the seat next to me. But she's jewish, and I had a ham sandwich.  I'd hate to be the person who has to cleaning those cushions.

8.  If you are on an aisle seat, and you fall asleep, and you drool and snore.  Please don't expect to wake up, smile at me and expect me to be willing to flirt.  I've already seen the morning after and didn't get the benefit of the beforehand drunken stupor.

9.  If your pilot attempts a John Wayne impersonation on the loud speaker and sounds more like the teacher from Ferris Bueller, feel safe in the flight.  He's smart, he's not funny.  He wont be making any bad jokes about turbulance and barf bags.

10.  True love is fixing your husband's comb over before departing the plane.

11.  Truly annoying is the husband being a gentleman and getting out of his seat so his wife can get out of hers, especially when she's a big girl and he's keeps pushing his old man ass literally into my head to give her more room.

12.  In the airport they have those little carts you can rent for 3.00 bucks.  And if you return it, you get a 25 cent reward.  So... If you have no money but want a cart, just find 12 abandoned carts and return them all to earn 3.00 in rewards.  Then you can get a cart of your own.  (yes, irony.. not stupidity)

13.  And finally, when boarding a small 20 seat propeller plane for the first time, it is perfectly okay to asked to be moved to a different seat when you get into yours and see a huge spinning blade just on the other side of the window 4 feet from your head.

- posted by Carrie @ 12:57 PM|

 
Note to self...
Buy lock for bedside drawers filled with dildos and such in order to avoid waking up with daughter pulling them out to play with and son walking in for closer inspection. 
PS... those could give the poor boy a complex.

- posted by Carrie @ 7:03 PM|

 
Note to self....
When wanting to talk dirty to a friend online, make absolutely sure friend is home and on the computer before you tell his mother to show you her dick.

- posted by Carrie @ 5:12 PM|

 
Lesson Learned...Will probably be forgotten next time.
1 glass of wine gets me drunk. A very nice flotation, erethreal type of drunk. Where my body is just above everything else and I have no idea where my head is.
 
2 glasses of wine gets me to the point that inner dialogues become outter dialogues. And rather than telling myself that I am holding an Ace and a Queen suited I tell the entire table.
 
3 glasses of wine....  I remember going to bed. I have clips in my head of having sex with my husband.  I clearly remember him saying that if I pass out he's throwing it in my ass. 
 
As my butt hurts this morning I have decided that 2 glasses of wine shall be my limit from here on out.

- posted by Carrie @ 10:24 AM|

 
Sitting in the Driveway
I let the raindrops rolls down my flesh and cover my skin in a sheen of moisture....
I let the lightening spear through my nerve endings and tickle them to life with sparks and bursts of rage....
I let the thunder roll across my body like a lover coming back for more and more...
 
And I thought.....
 
God I wanna get laid.
 
Someday, in a tent in the woods, or in the tall grass of the meadows..  I will let the heat and the fury of the storm strike passion through my body an into my lover's while I ride him in the climax of the storm.

- posted by Carrie @ 9:01 PM|

 
THIS IS POST # 200!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just wanted that to be known.

- posted by Carrie @ 4:29 PM|

 
Double checking
Have I mentioned before just how passionately I love lightening storms?
I have? Okay.. just checking...
 
OH!! And SHOES!! I love shoes too.

- posted by Carrie @ 4:24 PM|

 
Medicinal Spending....
There is no better therapy for a woman than shopping.
If you are good, it costs less than a shrink.
If you are an expert, it can cost you a lot more.
 
Oh and a little Jimi-Red House for the drive back to hell..
Life is good.

- posted by Carrie @ 4:22 PM|

 
Note to self...
Things I shouldn't do in front of my boss...

1. Apply deoderant.
2. Floss my teeth.
3. Spit out popcorn kernels.
4. Pluck out chin hair.
5. Look in mirror up nose to see if any hanging boogers.

Things I CAN do in front of my Boss...

1. Belch loudly.
2. Pass gas.
3. Throw back a shot of vodka.
4. Chain smoke.
5. Put lotion on my legs.


These are important things.. Dont wanna forget them.
- posted by Carrie @ 11:04 AM|

 
ATTENTION!! IMPORTANT NEWS BULLETIN!!!
Karma is Confused

I ask that you not panic, remain calm. I believe it is probably safest to remain perfectly detached from all situations. Avoid reactions to good or bad happenings in your life today. That age old balancer Karma has taken a turn toward confused, and good deeds may result in bad Karma. While experts have speculated that Bad Deeds will probably return Good Karma, they have asked that we NOT test the theory. Testing of the "Backward Karma Theory", as it is being referred to, could result in mass destruction and acts of terror in hope of positive retribution. And because professionals are currently working with Karma to revive it to it's natural state, there is no telling when it will return.

this just in... Young woman goes to Grandmother's house to blow dry and curl Grandmother's hair. And act of love turns to horror as Karma, being off kilter that it is, made the young woman forget to bring her blow dryer home. She was forced to blow dry her hair this morning in front of the AC/Heater wall unit in her garage. The woman is in stable condition at work today, but not without desperate hair issues.
- posted by Carrie @ 9:27 AM|

 
Pain in the Night
Dontcha hate when you're laying in bed at night, and you feel something brush against your arm, and due to your overwhelming paranoia convince yourself it's a spider, so you jump and swipe at the thing on your arm only discovering it was your hair tickling your arm, which you just yanked to all hell with such force that you flew foward and rammed your skull into the headboard?

Yeah... me neither.
- posted by Carrie @ 12:36 PM|

 
I'm too young for this!!!
I got on a laundry kick today, call it hormones cause I never do laundry midweek. I mean what shall I do on Sunday now? But kick I did get, and serious kick I do mean. Everything had to be washed, including the clothes I was currently wearing. Luckily I got this wonderful fandangled new contraption in my home called a washer machine. Thank GOD because I don't want to be one of those crazies at the laundramat stripping naked. Too bad commericialish, ya know? Anyway, I'm cleaning everything in just my under floss when my daughter asks if she can watch a video while she eats dinner. Of course she can! She's my favorite daughter, the love of my life, the reason I live and breathe.
"Mommy? Why is your butt so big?"

I'm rethinking that favorite daughter thing right now.
- posted by Carrie @ 10:12 PM|

 
Are we fighting this correctly?
THIS scares me.

Religous Wars Vs. Political Wars

The line has been crossed, and THEY won this battle.
- posted by Carrie @ 9:49 AM|

 
innocence lost...
You know you are too old to truly enjoy a Disney Movie when you sit with your three year old and questions run through your head such as...

If everyone in the enchanted castle turned into furniture and such, then what do they sit on and eat off of when everyone turns back?

If everyone in the enchanted castle turned into furniture, then the west wing where the Beast destroys everything is basically all dead people...

Will the destroyed furniture turn back into dead bodies once the curse is lifted?

When the curse was passed and everyone was turned into furniture, did the new enchanted furniture have a huge yard sale to get rid of the old un-chanted stuff to make room in the castle? And if they did, how did they keep from selling someone's sister instead of the old lamp shade?

And who in the heck milks the cow, picks the carrots and slaughters the pigs?

Important reminder to all adults who may be watching these movies with small children. Don't mention about slaughtering pigs, they'll never eat sausage again.
- posted by Carrie @ 10:58 PM|

 
So far advanced...
Anyone who has visited my wonderful city, and strolled down the famous Las Vegas Strip knows how deeply steeped in the computer age we are out here. So involved in fact, that you don't even need to be ON a computer while walking the Strip to receive annoying pornographic pop up's in your face.
- posted by Carrie @ 2:36 PM|